Saturday, August 1, 2009

I tripped and fell on a cupcake and it somehow got in my belly.

Birthday parties can be like that. 

I can't say I regret the cupcake. Er, uh.... cupcakes. They were some of the best I've ever had. They weren't an accident, either. I planned on splurging a bit today. My breakfast was totally on track and I filled up on meat for lunch. The cupcakes didn't give me any symptoms at all and I spent the next few hours playing at the beach with the kids.

What I hadn't planned on was the ice cream and bananas that followed the cupcakes into my belly. That was a bad choice. I did end up having some brain fog, vision loss, and exhaustion at that point. I strongly suspect that my POTS symptoms correlate with rising insulin levels. This indulgence sparked some intense sugar cravings, but my lovely man helped keep me strong. Sometimes I look to him to enable me, I suppose. Like many couples, we can be a bit codependent when it comes to sweets. One feels less of a pathetic addict when one binges with company, after all. The man and I agreed today that it would be a bad decision even to keep maple syrup in the house for guests because neither of us could be trusted with the bottle.

I still really want sweets, but that doesn't have much to do with today's birthday treats. I think about candy just about every single night and, in spite of what I know about sweet things and insulin, the temptation is strong. Keep in mind that I have more reason to stay away from candy than most people--not only do I know it's killing me and threatening to make me fat, I also feel pretty much drugged (and most unpleasantly) when I overindulge. 

And it's almost always overindulgence, with me. If other people are around who aren't "cool" ;-), I feel social pressure to be polite and non-gluttonous and I will bend to that. If I am left to my own devices, however, I will not stop until I am quite ill. You might be surprised at how much I could pack away in one sitting. Or you might not be surprised. I tend to think that secret candy binges of ungodly proportions are far more common than people like to admit. I'm not even overweight. You'd never know if I didn't tell you.

Back when I had a particularly soul-sucking job, I would often use my lunch break to eat candy. Lots of candy. Or white bread rolls. Those are essentially the same thing. An hour a day spent chain-smoking probably would have been less damaging to my health.

So, yes, I believe sugar is more addictive than cocaine. I've read that people who abstain for years can finally rid themselves of that siren's song. Perhaps someday that will happen for me. Until then, eating clean is a challenge. Living in the modern world, we're always just a few steps away from the edge of the sugar pit.

And it smells good in there.

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